THE LAST ANGRY WOMAN

OXI CLEAN ! OXI CLEAN ! I can’t stand that drummer. Not only does his style, his shouting, offend me, his overly blackened hair and beard need shearing like a Merino sheep in July. I don’t know the man’s name as the second I even see Oxi Clean, my nerves jangle, my index finger hits the mute button and I take time for a loo trip or a java. Sometimes I console myself with a humongous bowl of pecan chocolate ice cream, on top of which I pour thick fudge. You laugh at me because you know what I know. He is in great demand. Sponsors are pleading with the new millionaire + to take their money. He’s rich and my finger grows shorter daily.

I boil over at the necessary t.v. interruptions. Who is fool enough to call in to 1-800 476-5457 to order the crappy wooden boxes that slide under the bed, hold 12 pairs of shoes, 6 large purses, sundry scarfs at the low, low price of $12.95? AND IF you call in during the next 7 ½ minutes, you will receive 2 of the boxes and a calculator . I do not feel tempted and even if I were, thank goodness my bed is on a pedestal and even dust doesn’t go under it.

Comes the little gecko, blabbering away with I think an Aussie accent. I did call Geico once, in spite of my detestation of the squirmy little beast. All I got was an animated ‘ Hi, there. Let us help you. Please speak or use your telephone pad for your responses. Thank you.’ I enjoy hearing my own voice once in a while and take that route. Reading from my current car insurance, I state all they want to know. I wait to get at least a $300 lower per year policy cost. Not so, not so at all. Geico was $350 more than what I pay now. The run around little gecko turned out to be Big–a big faking liar. (Faking is spelled wrong.)

Meeting Ron this morning may be the one to send me over the wall. His 1 hour spiel on his wondrous knives hypnotized me, held me spellbound in disbelief. There isn’t a knife made that he doesn’t offer, knives I’ve never seen, heard of, dozens of them. Each is guaranteed for life never to dull. After only ½ hour of dribble, I realize his guarantee, in my case, isn’t much of an offer as I might not even get thru the rest of his push. ‘But wait. There is more!’ With the boning knife, I will send you, free, 4 sharp steak knives, plus a paring knife. And what is the price? Right! $13.33 + S.H, in three easy payments. ‘Wait, there is more. If you tell a friend about my offer, I will send you a complete set of 25 knives as a gift.’ Every time he stops his action with ‘Wait. There is more!’ My mind turns in circles. Not that I want to but I cannot keep up with him. As I stab him with his favorite carving knife, I catch a few words, ‘Wait. I am going to repeat my offers in case you missed something.’

There is a large audience, applauding, giving testimonials. Let them wait for Ron. I DIDN’T!