Get it in writing

THE GUARANTEE

 

'Dad, I'm home. Look at this beauty Riley's Office Depot had on sale.  Can you help me install it? My new Gatsby computer is already making my fingers itch. The salesman gave me a quick run-down but it went right through this mushy head of mine. You know more than his brain and mine share as one mind.

 

I know my Dad loves compliments, honest ones, and I have already set the ball in motion. 'Paul, something or other, pushed me to buy a year's insurance policy for one hundred bucks. He told me it won't happen but just in case something rare hits, I'll be able to talk directly to a guru. I turned it down, Dad. I already have a wonderful private one, don't I?'

 

As my Dad takes the heavy carton out of my hands, he starts walking to our den. His eyes smile at me. My mom calls from the kitchen, 'Evelyn, if you want dinner on time, come here and peel the potatoes.' The usual trap waits for me. The Cat and Mouse game begins, 'Flora,' Dad yells to her, 'I'm helping Evelyn. Peel the potatoes yourself.' Irritated,  Mom yells back, 'Then don't yell at me that dinner is late. Fool with the monster, make Evelyn happy while I knick my fresh nail polish.'

 

Dad has me watch what he does, explains it all, with me learning next to diddly squat. The silent hum of my new computer that I name Gerty lights up. There is Yahoo with my address book in tact, old mail waiting for me to peruse. The settings I set myself, font- Comic Sans, size 14, color-dark green, the shade of a whippoorwill as the sun goes down.
Dad pats me on my head as if I were a brilliant idiot.

 

I assign myself a small job to start out type in Google,  Riley's Office Depot and search lap top computers. There must be fifty sites on its megabytes, its attributes and faults. I scroll down, open too many bad sites and picture Paul, the salesman who talked me into it, hiding every time I come into Riley's Office Depot for more printer ink. My behemoth printer drinks it like a bone dry elephant.

 

Mom is sitting in the dining room by herself, mashing her boiled potato. 'Evelyn, you finally came in for dinner? Go heat it, eat it alone, like I did.  I'm done. She stands up, walks to the stairs, looks back at me and asks if her husband, my dad, has set up my computer already.' 'Yep, Mom, I'm going to send some emails to my friends, see if I get thru to them.' 'You're not hungry?' she asks. If I say 'yes' in maybe three shakes of a lamb's tail, Mom will put a tantalizing platter of baked salmon, her special sweetened asparagus and a still hot baked potato in front of me. If I say 'no' she'll do it anyway so I get a glass of buttermilk and sit down to enjoy Mom's cooking.

 

After I enjoy myself, I wash the plate, flatware, glass and leave the table spotless, just the way Mom likes it. An odd humming sound is coming from the den but I don't feel like investigating it, head toward Gerty. The sound gets louder, stops humming and clunk, clunks. My god, I run towards it. The screen of my new Gatsby puter is blinking on and off in rainbow colors. 'Dad! Dad! Help. My computer is on fire!' He runs into the den wearing only his p.j. bottoms, quickly slams the computer closed, pulls the plug out of the socket, and breathes more easily.

 

'Take care of this yourself in the morning Evelyn. Take this burned up computer back to Riley's. 'Insist on seeing the manager, not a salesman. Do not accept a replacement. Be firm, have my Visa Charge card ready and get a full credit. Do not come home for dinner or to sleep if you don't do this right.'

 

The Lord has spoken and I had better follow his orders. Paul, the imbecile young sales clerk who sold me the computer on sale, happens to be next 'up' and approaches me. 'Paul,' I say, 'ask me no questions just get the manager out here now.' He looks bewildered but calls him on the intercom. I stiffen my back ready for an argument. Sean O'Riley makes none, apologizes, hands me a credit for Gerty and adds,

 

'Gatsby is now aware of what is happening with our last sale shipment. To tell you the honest truth, someone might have been injured. So far there are no claims. A new shipment of Gatsbys is due next Mon. They will give you the new model free. It is really an excellent computer at a super price.'

 

I hesitate for a moment, thank him with a 'No, thank you,' take the credit slip home. Dad will go with me to Computer's Inc. on Monday, help me make a good choice and set it up for me after dinner.

 

First I have to help Mom peel potatoes.