Digging in

LOOK AT ME

 

'Stand beside me, Lilyan, face to face, eyeball to eyeball'  Jessie says. 'I need you, dear friend, to be honest, brutally honest with me.' You have never really been in the fifty years we know each other. You have always fibbed, exaggerated, put me down, just never gave straight answers. My pockets always had some salt ready to take with me when we played together. I'm hoping this time you will realize I am serious and truly need to straighten my thoughts before it is too late.

 

I know now I shoulda, coulda, been a better person, that I can't change what I was but hope that somewhere I made a difference, helped, supported, cared about important things besides what game I wanted to play, what I wanted for Christmas. Why was I  mean to my parents so many times? Do this for me, Lilyan and if I survive, maybe you will want me to take you apart.' She gives Lilyan a broad smile and adds, 'It wouldn't hurt.'

 

Lilyan's first reply is, 'Get away from me. You've flipped out. I'm not interested in going back over nonsense.' Jessie gets teary, whines, gives her 'friend' a love tap on her fat rear and stands firm. She calls her a chicken and then Lilyan  erupts, compliments fly at Jessie like dry leaves in a fall windstorm.

 

'You aren't getting it, Lilyan. I want you to see me as I was, as I am. Last night, for instance, I stood in front of my full length three way mirror and got scared almost to death. I was there alright, wearing a yellow ruffled dress with a crinoline under it. My hair was straight as a ten inch ruler, but there I was , Shirley Temple, dancing and singing 'On the Good Ship Lollipop,' and I couldn't carry the tune. I concen- trated on dancing and fell forward, hitting my head on the mirror.
Look, you can see my bruise. Do you remember being five, Lilyan?'

 

'No, Jessie, but I remember we were seven in the same class with Charles Nachowitz and Bobby Schloss. We used to both have crushes on them, switching back and forth. You were the teacher's pet, Miss Langford, wasn't it? You were the cutest, smartest kid in our class, learned how to write with a straight pen and ink before any of us. I poured the ink in the desk wells until I finally dropped more on the desk than where it should be and Miss Langford gave my job to Bobby. If my memory is still good, you were glad I wasn't ink monitor any more. You laughed at me and told me to learn how to hold my hand still. I hated you then. You complained about your father, your mother, how much you hated them except when they gave you candy and ice cream money.' 'Was I really that bad, Lilyan? Do you know my father has lung cancer? I'm going to stop in the super market on my way home to get him some chocolate ice cream and serve it to him with a big hug and maybe even a little peck on his cheek. Darn, I forgot, my library books are due today. I'll get the ice cream for him tomorrow.'

 

'Jessie, you weren't all bad. I remember when we were twelve, you asked your mom to teach us how to knit and we formed a club, ' Les Knits.' Remember? We made dozens of scarves for the servicemen overseas. You collected used cooking fat from neighbors up and down Metropolitan Ave., turned it in for 'our boys'. Hey, I remember you used to walk with your father when he was blackout warden. You told me you were afraid he'd fall and there'd be nobody to help him.'

 

'Jessie, I guess I did some good things but mostly I remember being selfish, boring. I argued with everyone, had to be a leader, the boss. I still have a few years ahead of me. I'm going to the pharmacy now to get my dad's prescription so Mom won't have to go after dinner. I'll get the chocolate ice cream for him at the same time.'

 

Jessie laughs loudly, tells me not to change too much, too fast, or my mom might faint.