TOESIES

My one glass of house burgundy did its job, soothed my blind date anxiety. Cliff, however, liked his dry martinis. After his third, I stopped counting and remained fairly amiable. The spicy Mexican dinner held ½ my attention. Cliff’s shoeless foot under the table searching for my crotch, held the other ½. Only once did I uncross my legs, smiling as I did so. I kicked at him and connected hard with his knee. Stunned, evidently hurting, his cocktail glass slipped from his fingers, bounced on the table and tumbled to the floor. Most likely I sneered as I asked, ‘What’s the matter, Lover Boy. Your knee in pain?’ Maybe you should take me home and you can go to your house to get ice for the bruise you are going to have. ‘Ha!’ he said. ‘It will be my pleasure.’ With that he called for the check, took my cashmere shawl off the back of my chair and gentlemanly put it over my shoulders. From his wallet he extracted the valet ticket, handed it to me and asked to be excused as he had to go to the john.

I was in the car waiting for him to come out. It was plain to see he could walk, but not very well. No kitty cat I, I laid it on the line. ‘May I drive? We’ll both be safer.’ An explosion roared from his throat. ‘Are you crazy? You want me to let you drive my Lexus? I don’t even know you. You want a cab? I’ll get you one, but you’re not going to be chauffeuring me. We bickered, made nasty, ugly, uncalled for remarks to each other. The ball was in my court and I bounced it, opened my own door and called the valet to stop a cab for me. Cliff was left to drive himself home, maybe kill an old geezer out for a late evening stroll. A cab pulled in. Cliff pulled out.

Steam was rolling from my pores. That bastard actually let me take a cab by myself. I relived the moment I felt his toes going up my leg and gagged. The taxi driver asked if I felt okay. After a few deep breaths, normalcy returned. My apartment was around the next corner. ‘What?! What is going on?’ Cliff’s car was in my driveway. He was standing at the curb throwing up. ‘Driver, please wait for me to get into my house.’ I gave him $10 that included a good tip, had my door key in my hand, and got inside with no altercation. Clear thinking was needed. I left the outside lights on, the first floor I left dark and walked upstairs to my loft by rote. Silent night, oh silent night. It was perfect. Not once did I even turn over. I could have been a mummy. All I had to do was tuck my quilt under my stack of pillows and my bed was made.

Beep, beep. A loud and annoying horn honked from my driveway. There, behind the Lexus wheel, waving to me, was Cliff. The beep, beep quickly became a knock, knock. ‘Go away, Cliff.’ ‘Let me in. I need to use your john. I’ve been here all night and want to apologize. Please let me in.’ ‘There’s a gas station one block from here. Go there. Take a ride.’ ‘Let me in. I won’t bite.’ ‘Go bite, go bite your toenails off. I don’t care. Go away. This conversation is over.’

Varoom, varoom, the Lexus motor revved, purred. I didn’t allow myself to watch him get into traffic. He didn’t. Within 2 minutes I heard a crash. His rear bumper went into the middle of a lady’s gold colored Subaru, dented it badly. All of us, the policeman, the owner of the damaged car, I, Cliff too, knew the accident was 100% his fault. He didn’t argue. He accepted full responsibility.

Knock, knock. ‘Now may I come in? I have to call my insurance company.’ ‘Use your cell. I don’t want to see you.’ ‘Well, you know what Miss Snotty Nose, I don’t want to see you either.’ ‘Oh, alright,’ I mumbled. ‘Come in. Just keep your shoes on your feet and your hands off of me.’ ‘And you, you keep your clunking feet off my knees. Deal?’

‘How about some coffee. Got cream for latte?’