The waiting

BLACK MOON

 

There's more than a wind chill up here. I can almost taste the ice in the air. Tiny spots of it land on my robe and grow into icicles. All around me there is a loneliness, empty of voices, except the wind's and the songs I try to hum. Down below me I see fields of green, a green so lovely my arms wallow in its warmth. Why am I here? What must I do to free myself, return to the greenness?

 

From my perch on a drab, colorless rock, the night sky falls with a terrible roar, strikes the green and nothing is left but frightened me.  A rainbow of grays from white to whiter to a white that may blind me as it forces my eyes to close without my help. Something that smells like Elmer's glue leaks into the corners of my eyes. It does not burn but locks them tight. The blackness is beyond any words I can dream up. It is a void, a nothing, yet I still feel safe sitting on my rock, try to touch it with my hands and there is nothing there. Am I floating? I feel no soft breeze.

 

From nowhere I think of Yankee Doodle who went to town, riding on a pony. I think I am slobbering, trying to whistle the tune. Oh, he stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni. Macaroni. I don't like macaroni but my belly suddenly feels empty. It is so empty I might eat dog curds, if there were a dog somewhere is this strange place I am in.
I've tried to cry but with my eyes glued together, now I think I may have drowned them, never see again.

 

Carefully, ever so carefully, I lean backwards, hoping there is something, anything, and there is. It feels soft and fluffy. A little air touches my cheek. A gym reeks of sweat, there are grunts and groans. An ouch', a 'stop it,' buzzes into my ears. Then the most heavenly noise fills my heart with hope. An old memory of the first time my mother took me on an elevator, draws  a rainbow thru my brain. 'First floor, Ladies' hats, jewelry, cafeteria.' The smell of a fudge sundae makes me writhe with delight. With my eyes glued together, I can still see the sundae dish it came on, feel the sweet chocolate, smothered with whipped cream, gliding down my throat. A woman in a brown cotton dress is standing near the elevator door. She speaks loudly, 'Basement, cheap clothes.' I get out with the few people looking for bargains. 'Mama, Mama, I missed you. Take me home. ' Her arms enfold me.  A cool cloth wipes my forehead. My mother's sweet voice tells me to open my eyes, but I cannot. One by one she kisses each of my fingers and tells me I can.

 

At last her lips kiss my eyelids and they open slowly, very slowly. It is night time. Something is wrong. 'Mama, Mama, where is the moon? I can't see it.' 'Little one, it is almost morning. The moon is on the other side of this building. Sleep a little longer and you will see the sun out of that window over there when you wake up.'

 

'No, I won't, Mama.'