I feel lonely and terrible. In fact, I feel terribly lonely. Trying to analyze my situation I’m a blank. My home has a welcome mat at the front door and another on the side porch. Three days a week I am busying volunteering at the Sheriff’s office only a mile away. True, it is a dull place. Criminals aren’t brought to ‘my’ office. It’s all a paper mirage where I straighten files, make new folders, e mail a few messages and answer the phones. In three hours my shift is over and I drive home to an empty house.
There are always messages from my 2 married children and once in a while, Gil, my seven year old grandson, says, ‘Hello, Grandma. How are you? I am fine. Goodbye.’ No question, he has been prodded to do even that much. Don’t tell me that I should be satisfied as long as he calls at all. That’s nonsense. I am not. I dote on that boy, send him gifts, cards, insist he come to the phone when I get a chance to talk to my son, which is usually Sunday.
Not long ago, although it feels like it was back in the Middle Ages, I had a husband, lady friends who had husbands. Henry and I had social connections that filled many afternoons and evenings. Life was pleasant until the guillotine fell on my world. In less than a month I had leprosy.
Did I accept it, put up with the emptiness? Yes and no. I invited the ladies to lunch, offered them the season tickets Henry and I had for the ballet, Cabaret, Jersey Boys, Barber of Seville. Little handwritten thank you notes arrived and should have been enough but they weren’t. All I had hoped for was that somebody, anybody, would be a true friend and invite me someplace. It hasn’t happened yet.
Thanksgiving is almost here. I put on my boxing gloves and refused to accept my children’s excuses that they have already been invited else where. Sternly, I told them to apologize and cancel their commitments. True, I was a bitch and let them hear my croaking voice, my tears dropping on my chin. I shamed them for the first and last time. They came. Darla brought her delicious candied sweets and home made pumpkin pie. Elaine brought hors d'euvres and a string bean casserole. Evidently, my daughter and daughter-in-law had already planned on taking these items to their other dinners and I grew jealous.
Something, a lot of things, were missing for our first Thanksgiving without Henry. My inner glow, my joy were just two on the list. Dinner and conversation were over. They told me how much they miss Henry and invited me to their homes whenever I want to come. I suggested Christmas to Elaine. There is no hesitancy. ‘Sure, Mom, we’d love to have you but we are going on a cruise to the Bahamas. I guess we forgot to tell you.’ Darla is silent and waits for Ira to find a way out of my coming for the holidays. Ira couldn’t come up with an excuse, came over and hugged me, ‘Sure come on the 24th and you can help Darla fix dinner.’
I drove the 110 miles myself, enjoyed working in the kitchen, the delicious dinner we had without Elaine and Eddie. Neither Ira nor Darla had told me when I was to leave so I told them when I intended to go home, Dec. 27 as I had a date for New Year’s with a man I met at the Sheriff’s office. They were very pleased.
I wasn’t. I lied.
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