CRASH

COLOR ME HAPPY  

 

Tony Alacio is already shaping his little black moustache to be just right for his wedding. He's marrying me, Selma Horowitz. I have beautiful long red hair that I will have shortened one inch in exactly two weeks.

 

Tony selected the 1½ carat engagement ring himself and has the platinum and diamond wedding band in his bedroom safe. Both mothers went with Selma to select the wedding gown. She tried on many, listening to both mother's comments. Her future mother-in-law was first to suggest Selma make the final decision. Knowing her daughter would look lovely in a horse's blanket, Mrs. Horwitz nodded her approval to Selma's choice.

 

Mrs. Alacio wants Selma to come to their house very soon so she can learn how to make a wonderful lasagna and her thick, spicy spaghetti sauce. Tony has been to the Horowitz home many times but now must learn how to eat Jewish cooking. 'Taste, taste,' it will only burn for a minute,' she tells Tony as she puts a forkful  of gefilte fish with Tulkoff's red hot horse raddish in his mouth. Tony chokes, has some water to cool his mouth and tries another bite with more fish less horse raddish. 'That's very good gefilte fish, Mom,' he says. It was the first time he called her that.

 

The ceremony is in order. There will be a rabbi and a reverend. The couple will be under the chupah and Tony must wear a yalmukah and break the traditional glass. The two families are phenomenal, each giving and taking, learning about each other.

 

140 people have received tasteful wedding invitations. 130 have accepted. The ten who declined are all Jewish. Selma takes great offense and tells that to her mother. Mrs. Horowitz replies that she will look into it. 'There must be a reason.' And there is. The ten friends will be on a cruise and are sorry they will miss the festivities. That very day a check comes in the mail from the Steins.

 

Tony is supposed to go to the rabbi with Selma but tells her he can't go. His buddies are giving him a stag party that night. Selma insists Tony go to the rabbi first. Tony is stubborn, offers ridiculous excuses   and they argue.  Before he storms out of her house, he tells her he 
hates that gefilte fish. He is stops at the door. Selma comes right back at him.s stopped at the door. She isn't going to make that heavy spaghetti sauce either. She'll be a goyshe pig. Tony leaves without kissing her goodnite and doesn't call until the following night, the night of the stag party. She doesn't see him then either.                             

 

Time is short for the wedding. Both families don't know what is wrong but sense something is amiss. When at last he stops by for a short while, Selma asks how the party went. Tony can barely speak, but somehow manages to tell her that it was wild, they all had girls there and lots of sex. He was drunk and really had a great time.  Selma smacks him in the face, rants, 'You had sex with not one stranger but god only knows how many.' She works off her engagement ring, puts it his hand and shows him the door. There are no tears. It is over. She tells her parents right away and leaves it to Tony to explain to his.

 

Mrs. Horwitz is the crying  one. She has to cancel everything, rabbi, call the caterer, contact all the guests. The wedding gown is paid for, the money lost. Selma will return any gifts she and Tony had already received and mails Mrs. Alacio a note asking her to call her friends. Mrs. Alacio can barely speak as she, too is crying.

 

Selma sobs alone. ' I am happy. Just color me happy and smart.'