neither as borrower or-----

MADE TO MEASURE

 

Why now? Our 1990 t.v. has been working well for 20 years, never put a penny into service departments–until now right in the middle of the final contests in The Great Race, the screen flutters. 'Gertie, are you ironing again with that antiquated iron of yours?' My wife tells me if I want a clean shirt tomorrow she will have it for me. 'If you can iron it faster than I can, come on down here. I have two more shirts already sprinkled for you.'

 

Gertie disconnects her iron but not her husband. He raves the t.v. is still flickering, 'and by god, it went black.' Angrily he kicks the t.v.  stand and the t.v. falls lopsided to the floor. Howard sets it back but it leans a little. 'Gertie, I'm calling Comcast.' He dials and starts bitching when he has to hit '1' for English. He hits it and waits forever, pacing, following orders from a machine until at last a human voice comes thru. He's so thrilled, he accidentally touches a number on the key pad and is disconnected. 'Gertie, come upstairs. Get Comcast on the phone for me.' Her master has spoken so she dials and goes through the long automated rigamaroll. 'Here, talk to this human, Howard.' 'Yes, you may help me. Tell me if you are having blackouts in my area 33926. I'm watching the end of the Great Race and my screen went dark. I'll never know who wins.' 'I'm glad to tell you we are not having any trouble but I'm sorry for your inconvenience. Would you like us to send a service man?' he asks. 'Well, I sure as hell can't fix it. Can he come now?' The service man's answer throws Howard into a fit. 'We can fit you in Wednesday between one and five. OK?' Gertie is standing by Howard's side and sees his face turn red. He yells into the phone, 'What do you mean Wednesday? This is Monday. Doesn't Comcast work on Tuesdays?' 'Sorry, Sir, that's the earliest possible time.' With anger writhing inside of him, he accepts the time and slams down the receiver.

 

'Gertie, here, call that thief back and cancel the call. I see no reason
to pay Comcast at least fifty bucks and then maybe find out the goof can't fix it. Why don't we splurge a little and get a new t.v. with HD Blue Image? What do you say, Sweetums?' Howard is surprised that his 'rock' agrees. He gives her a tight hug and a big wet kiss. 'Why don't we go shopping tomorrow?  Ikea is nearby.  We can look around at what they have to hold the new t.v. we're going to buy. Our table has seen its last day. It's going out in recycle tomorrow morning.' The two of them seem to be walking on air, happier and more excited than they've been in a long time.

 

Just as Howard gets his measuring tape out of the kitchen what-not drawer, Gertie walks in, see him with the stretched out old yellow tape measure and laughs.'Where is your good metal retractable tape, Howie? Throw that piece of garbage in the trash can.' Howard remembers having loaned it to a neighbor several years ago and never getting it back. His temper flares again. 'Why didn't Gary give it back? Hell, I forgot about it and he moved away last year. I'd better buy a new one before we measure anything.' The new metal retractable tape cost $10.99 and only reaches six feet.  Howard is not a happy person.

 

It takes them over an hour to measure the one living room wall and the height to the ceiling. 'Let's select the t.v. first, Gertie, then we'll know we have plenty of room for it. Together they choose a silver colored Samsun on sale. Howard measures height, width and depth, writes it on a little pad he brought along. It will be delivered and set up the following day.

 

Off they go to Ikea. They love the walnut wall case that has book shelves, drawers. 'It will make such a difference in the living room, won't it Gertie?' The next day they wait impatiently, pray the wall unit will come before the t.v. It doesn't. When it does arrive and the two men who put it together at an extra large fee leave, the Samsun arrives.

 

The technician looks at the new wall unit, praises it and asks Howard where the wall socket is. He points to where the old t.v. was for twenty years but the wall socket is no longer visible. Harold and the two t.v. men angle the wall piece enough to see the socket. It could not be reached. The t.v. could not be installed. An electrician is needed to run a line in where the bookcase is. The books will cover the socket and wire. That is only the beginning. The furniture looks too shabby; the carpet is worn thin in places; The walls need re-painting, the curtains are faded.

 

Gertie hugs Harold. 'It's not your fault, Honey. It's your former friend's fault. He didn't give your good metal tape measurer back.'