It did, did happen

A VERY BAD DAY

 

The sun was bright, the air delightfully cool and I had a date with my dearest friend, Ronald. Note–I said 'friend' not companion, not lover.
As usual I was ready ½ hour early, dressed smartly,  attractively neat but not to make Ronald pant with passion. I had a ten minute drive to meet him at Harley's Chow House. I was already salivating for their big salad bowl and spicy calamari.

 

Right before I headed for my door, I checked my appearance and immediately knew that my beige colored flats did not look just right and were not really comfortable. Almost like a phantom I saw at the very end of my long floor shoe rack, a pair of bone shoes that I had completely forgotten about for probably 12 years. Lady readers, you understand such a thing. Aren't we all shoe crazy? I slipped the shoes on and sighed with total comfort but had a niggly feeling not, under- standing how I had forgotten them. Off I went on the carpeted floor, reached the white tiled path towards the apartment door and my eyes popped wide open. Something was there, black, ugly, and fairly large that looked like a dried dog turd stared at me. Ugh! Like lightning I flew into the kitchen for a Bounty paper towel to clean it up. Before I could get to the trash can in the kitchen, there were two  more 'turds.'  Iguana? No way. Then what?

 

Ronald may just have to wait five minutes. This must be cleaned up. I locked the apartment door and rang for the elevator. It arrived promptly and I stepped on, didn't have time to punch 1 as I flew up towards the ceiling, my arms flailing against the back of the elevator, my head hitting it hard enough to make me instantly believe my skull was fractured. My shoulder immediately seemed to sag by my side and worst of all, I was stunned, unable to concentrate, figure out what happened to me. My body shook uncontrollably.

 

And then I glanced down at the elevator floor. It was covered with black, black stuff, 2 very large pieces in the center. I realized the biggest pieces were about the size of the heels on the tan shoes I had so gleefully found. With no broom, trash can, the least I could do was pick up the 2 big ones and take them into my laundry room for disposal.
My knees shook, my hands wobbled and I dropped the blocks on the entry floor, left them there, stood perfectly still for a bit, trying to control myself but gave up and went to meet my friend.

 

He knew at once that I was a basket case, couldn't believe my story that explained what had happened to me. My shoe heels had EXPLODED! Ronald actually laughed at my silly story and that sent me into almost hysteria. 'It's True! It's True'. I had to hold his arm to steady myself and be seated at a nice corner booth where I hoped for solitude. I asked the waiter for a glass of wine and some time before we ordered  Ronald started telling jokes as he usually does but I couldn't even smile. I got nasty and asked him to please shut up. 'I need quiet. I have to calm down.' I talked to the wall, put my arms on the table and my head on my arms and let a tiny bit of tension fly away.

 

To add to the insanity, I had driven my car to the restaurant (when I shouldn't have), walked a few yards to meet Ronald, then a walk to our booth and neither he nor I realized one shoe had no heel!

 

I didn't even realize that until I drove home, saw the still blackened elevator as I had left it, went into my apartment, saw black chaos at the entry way but still shoeless, walked to the laundry room for a broom and dust pan, back to the elevator I went to clean it so others wouldn't step in the mess. I dumped the debris in the trash can and found the mess on the floor around it in the morning. Evidently my aim was way off.

 

As soon as I calmed down enough to e mail my son what happened, the weirdness of the shoe hell actually 'EXPLODING', he replied curtly with three words. 'SHOES DON'T EXPLODE.' I silently cussed him and laid down on the sofa for the rest of the day and half of the night.

 

Readers, beware of old shoes–THEY DO EXPLODE. Save them in case we go to war!