No fun-A Deadly Game

THE GAME

 

Let me tell you about the game. Maybe you know how to play, you might be able to tell me the rules.  I, we, don't have any...but that doesn't stop us. How many can play? That point isn't clear, but it seems to be working with two. The thing about it is it's a murderous challenge-a time element. We are at it almost constantly, never having a day offto relax and forget it. I said there are no rules but retract that statement. There is one- SECRECY, utter top-drawer secrecy. It goes  on and on and he doesn't know for sure if I know he knows I'm playing. And I can only guess and wonder if he knows I know he knows.

 

Today I scored big, made lots of points, but am left in mid-air with my befuddled mind not sure if I'm one up or one down. My stomach aches as the constant quest makes the gray, slimy snakes inside hiss and spit. Merely writing about it sends dangerous sparks, shivers to electrify my brain. The possibility of being found out can make me tense, nasty. Did I do well? Do I give myself a star? I know he got his revenge (his pleasure) and he isn't even around. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I won't. If I do, and I tell him, his point is forfeited. Or is it?

 

Just my discovery becomes a plus for him and a negated positive for me. So where am I? Surely, defining the game will put an end to it. If you are still with me, I think you deserve to know (oh, but I am so afraid to tell..you might tell him) how I score myself. Promise me, promise me, you won't.

 

 A deep breath- I have a little piece of paper that I keep hidden in plain sight- face down-on my dressing table- that today shows four days of play. It reads:
16     white           a.m.   Wed.    brown
 7     tip                a.m.   Thurs.  shoe
13     white           a.m.    Thurs. brown
14     blue             p.m.     Sat.    blue
Hah, so you thought this game was easy, a minuet for two? I am boggled myself and I am the only known player.

 

Well, I said I'd explain and I will, but I can't. I'll try again. What I (we) are doing is playing a child's game, but a ruthless adult version of Hide and Seek.  He is always the 'Hider'.  Oh, he is sly! Oh, he is sneaky! As soon as I reveal my code, you'll understand. Dare I? Are you in suspense? Do you care at all what a hell I'm in, how my life is bound to this stupid game? Somehow I know there is no escape, even if he finds out. In fact, that is a scary thought in itself.

 

I deviated from my purpose and return to quietly tell you the code. White is light–mild. How difficult it is to say the word. I'll wait a little longer. 'Brown' is coat; hah, shoe is shoe; tip is strong and blue is simply blue coat. Do you see the ugliness yet? Does the timing of the hunt clue you as to its aim? No? Well, think. First they are here. They go and come back, increase, change, move brown shoe to blue, for no apparent reason, except to challenge me again. Yes, he's clever. The
whites, I think, are decoys and only change now and then. I'll tell you.

 

I search endless for the deadly, doom-bringing, ugly, absolutely forbidden cigarettes.There I did it! Somebody else now knows what is tearing me to pieces. Somebody else can understand why the secret must be kept, why I can't call it quits, and  must keep on looking and watching for a change in pattern.

 

It has become a daily ritual, an unending misery to stop this totally winnerless game. But DEATH will do it.  And then...whose arm will be extended, upraised in victory?

 

I know it will not be mine !!!