LIFE’S LIES

Nick expected me to be ten minutes early. He also arrived ten minutes early so he wouldn’t have to cool his heels to wait for me. I trained him well and he has me trained too. Pleasing him and myself works.

My neck is long and slender, perfect for the warm, bulky turtle neck sweaters I adore. This morning I choose a heavenly blue cashmere cable stitch in a blue that hints of turquoise. My straight leg slacks are a shade of turquoise that emphasizes the tint in the sweater and makes my eyes pop. I feel great. I look great, want only Nick and am willing to wait for him.

He’s my dream come true, good looking, close to six feet tall, smart, ambitious and still single. It’s beyond my comprehension but I take it with thanks. I love him. He loves me. It shows in his dreamy green cats eyes. His hugs, kisses, groping, make my blood boil. It just comes naturally that I lean into him and respond with my heart and body. We are two fish hooked on a single line.

It’s Saturday, our regular relaxing zoo day. The colder the day gets, the grayer the sky, the more I snuggle up to him. Nick smiles and pushes me away. ‘Cut it out, Casey. How can I drive? You’re going to kill me one way or the other one of these days. Right?’ My squelch shuts his mouth. ‘Well, Darling, at least if I’m close, we’ll both die happy.’

The dashboard thermometer shows the temp dropping fast. It’s 39 with a wind chill of 28. Parking will be a cinch. I can’t hold back. ‘Nicky, it’s awfully cold and getting colder. I bet those polar bears won’t even come out to the pool today. My sweater is not enough. I’m going to freeze. What do you say we turn about and head home? We can get a warm, cosy fire going. I can raid your fridge and fix us a nice dinner.’

My Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde. My love becomes a stranger. He pounds on the edge of the steering wheel, honks wildly to nobody. Watching him, I expect froth to spew from his lips. ‘I drove all this way for you, Casey. It wasn’t my idea to race the snow storm and now you are worried about the polar bears instead of me. Did you give me a single thought about maybe skidding, having an accident? No, you didn’t. This was all Casey, Casey. You looked so gorgeous when we met, I could refuse you nothing but you are a dumb cluck. Don’t you read the weather reports or watch the weather channel? I’ll take the blame. I should have refused to go.’ He clams up, has spoken his piece and says not another word all the way to my apartment.

I make many attempts to sooth him, apologize over and over, sink lower and lower, ashamed of myself. He should apologize to me but leaves me dangling like a woman on a hangman’s noose.

By the time he gets home, I have left at least six voice messages. Mr. Hyde hides. With caller I.D. he knows I am calling, won’t answer. I call from my friend’s house, my mother’s, from the gas station. He guesses and I quit.

Desperation wins. I knock on his door. The safety latch is touched but doesn’t drop. I’m ready to get down on my knees, apologize again, hug Nick until he almost stops breathing. My heart is going to burst. The door remains shut. A voice calls out, ‘Nobody’s home. Go away.’ Another voice, a familiar one, ‘She’ll go away.’ There are soft, barefoot steps. The door cracks open. I can barely see a macho man’s bare muscles tensed up. I catch a very quick glimpse of extra brief, blue briefs.

It was wondrous while it lasted. I slink out. Tears fill my eyes. I go home and destroy everything blue in my closet.