WATCH YOUR STEP AND GET AWAY

Something very strange is happening to me. At best I hope it is just to me and that my situation is not contagious. I am taking precautions. Around the story you are reading, I am building a wall that cannot be penetrated. Listen to me. Stay away! Let me be. Let me ramble. If you hear muttering, put bees wax in your ears or plugs, if you have them. To those who are out to get me, demons, devils, sons of bitches, get away from me.

You ‘things’ walloped me yesterday and again today. Give me a chance to recoup, will you? It was only 8:30 A.M. and I hoped you were sleeping so I took a chance and e-mailed an invitation to a friend I haven’t seen in too long a time to meet me for lunch at Tzatskee’s. I hit ‘send’ and before my note could possibly get thru the maze of cyberspace, I received a fantastic invitation from Carl, a former hot flame, inviting me to a fabulous shmorgasborg at the Hilton. He came in last nite on business and only has today. I am not the kind of person to cancel an invitation because I have something better to do. Whoosh, I had to thank Carl with regrets, ask him to call me, and sat alone the entire day. Nogoodniks, get away from me. Leave me, my small pleasures be.

Which one of you trolls took away my anticipated joy last week? Had you been watching me, waiting to turn me into a gray pot of porridge? Do you float over my head, walk behind me, sit in the chair next to me as I go from one eye specialist to another for over two years? Did you give me back my childhood 20/20 vision and then, with no warning, take it away again? You must have heard me elating to my mother that I had almost three hours of total eye comfort that day. My eyelids weren’t boiling steel. The corneas were clear, my eyes azure blue and I didn’t feel them at all. It was like being eight again. They were there, just like my nose, my mouth, simply part of me. It was wonderful and I had to e-mail my friends about the miracle. I hit ‘send’ and Indian fire arrows hit my eyes. I close them gently, keep them closed, hoping for relief until I fall asleep. They hurt when I wake. Why, why, are you jinxing me? Who is that trying to climb up my wall, maybe attack a visitor? Nobody can come in, not god himself. Your broken claws won’t get thru the bricks, or into my psyche again. Out, out and away! You strip me, take away every small pleasure that touches me. Why?

I know you know my 50th birthday is Christmas day and Mom and Dad are planning a big surprise party for me at the Chevalier. I, like you, sometimes am sneaky, sometimes clever. I don’t let them know I know. Not once have I mentioned my birthday or even the word ‘Christmas.’ A few times I’ve practiced in front of the mirror in my bedroom how to look surprised. This party is going to be my first since I was 10. I am bursting with excitement. Aunts, uncles, cousins I hardly know will come out of the family cracks. My few friends, the gals where I work, maybe some of my many doctors’ techs will fill the ballroom.

I tell Mom I have a date to go to dinner and Mass on Christmas and am having one of my nice dresses cleaned and pressed. Most important, I add to her pleasure, ‘and I may not be home until morning.’ She is happy and doesn’t guess my subterfuge.

And then you flying bastards do it to me again. You send that rinky dinky Chevy into the rear of my car and me into on-coming traffic. I’m lying here in the hospital trying to get your attention, since you can’t scale my wall. My hip and pelvis are fractured. I am out of ugly words for you but am on the verge of using some of them on my parents.

They went to a friend’s house for an elaborate Christmas dinner. There was no surprise party for me planned. But still, I was surprised–no party, no Happy Birthday, no present, unless you call a plant, delivered to my hospital room, a present.

I have a lot of time, close to a month, to lie here and plan. I’ll destroy you sooner or later, and I think it will be sooner. Carl sent me flowers. Nurses administer new eye drops on a timed schedule and I can now read a book using new bifocals.

When I feel you, see you setting up to harm me, I’m taking a detour and you will all be trapped in my box and I may be living with a stranger.