Happy holidays on earth

CLOUD NINE

 

Please don't think because you can't do it, nobody can. Let me tell you something, Mister. I CAN fly. I'll prove it to you! Close your eyes tight, really tight and count slowly to sixty. That's one minute, in case you didn't know. Then open your boring, blood shot eyes and look for me. Don't waste a lot of time because I'm telling you, you won't find me. Are you in or out? If you're out, get away from me now. I don't want to waste what god gave me on the likes of you, a non-believer.

 

I stand with my arms akimbo, daring this human to doubt my veracity. He does not close his eyes. He does nothing, says nothing. I leer, I sneer. I draw my saber, swish it around his puny head. The man is frightened, closes his eyes tightly and waits to die. I have no intention of killing him. In 60 seconds his eyes open. He blinks and blinks, does not see me fly out the window. From outside I can watch him writhe.

 

I laugh at him as he looks in his closet, under the bed, goes down the hall to the bathroom, and vomits his shock into the toilet. While he is cleaning himself and the floor I quietly return to where we first met.
It was a pleasant enough small white gazebo near the entrance to the neighborhood park. One minute he was sitting alone and when he turned to watch a fat assed lady riding a bike, he made silent fun of her. The moment he looked elsewhere, I fluttered down beside him.

 

With great savoir faire, he looks me over and asks what planet I flew in from. I tell him Xlixhem. A wicked, evil tongue lashes at me. 'Go back to that planet, Mad Man, you need help.' That is the beginning of our verbal discourse. We don't like each other at all.

 

'So you think you can fly, Mister? I don't see any wings.' My cue. 'I can swim, too, but have neither fins nor gills.' He gets huffy. 'You know what? You're a nitwit and belong in the looney bin. I know a nice quiet place that still gives electric shock treatments. If you're nice to me, I can get you in at a discount.' That does it. I reach out and touch his arm and he jumps a mile. 'I don't need to get electric shock  treatments. I can give them myself. Behave, watch your mouth, or I'll give you a dose that will knock you out forever.' It is easy to tell, now he believes me. And he should.

 

His curiosity burns a hole in his brain. If you are really from a planet nobody here has ever heard of, how did you get here?' 'I took the subway.' He whines. 'Don't mess with me, give me a straight answer.'
'I did. We have large tunnels in the clouds. Going thru can be difficult, but we haven't lost a Ilixhem yet.' 'Okay, how do you get back up in the sky to go thru clouds?' I ask him if he is the Great Inquisitor and he doesn't seem to know the word. 'Why should I tell you what you won't understand. I'm sick of you. I think I will fly home and tell my compatriots what idiots live on the earth.' This makes the earthling very angry. His face turns red, his fists form and he aims at me. He boxes with nothing. I am invisible.

 

There is much I have to report when I get back to my planet. They will not believe anything I say

 

DO YOU? YOU SHOULD.