How Green It Wasn't

GARDEN OF NEEDIN'

 

I can almost see the crabgrass growing. It spreads faster than Danny,  the neighborhood garden maven, can kill it. He has done wonders for the new residents who live across from us on Alpine Rd.,  but somehow he can't beat the moles, worms or gremlins who must adore the constant cool shade our semi-detached houses provide. Amongst the tough crab grass dandelions thrive. They are perky, tall enough to sway and are a nuisance.

 

Our neighbors, Mac and I, have contracted with Lawn Care Specialists,
Inc., to get to the root of our problem. Two trucks, each with two workers, arrive together. Pipes, hoses, tools, bags of herbicides are stacked on our sidewalks. The men drill holes every 3 feet, pump in chemicals, advise us not to worry. Pets will not be harmed. We are told to 'Give Scott's MSMA Ortho-weed -B-GN time, two weeks at least, and you will see the crabgrass fade away.' Scott's stuff does nothing but raise our heckles. In just one week, Adele's dog dies and she wants to sue Scott. Scott pays for a vet's autopsy which shows the poor animal had cancer.

 

Lovely shrubs, lilac bushes, thrive in the beds around the houses in the sun. We have to drink their beauty in by osmosis and thank god for what we see from May until October.

 

Mary and George Poland, friends for umpteen years, live directly across from us. Every Sunday, about 8 a.m. our garden maven, Danny, starts mowing the lawns that have verdant, healthy grass while we  mumble and grumble about the noise and lack of progress getting rid of our crabgrass. I admit, I'm jealous. I take a chance and go to 'Crabgrass' on the web and learn that it should not be watered, that it grows from seeds and they must be destroyed. 'Apply Scott's (so and so) for a healthy lawn.' The Lawn Care Specialists surely know this and have applied Scotts and other brans. All unsuccessfully.

 

My mind goes into over-time. I ask no one, not even Mac, and invite my neighbor's dogs to use our lawn to do their business.  After I have contacted the masters of 12 dogs, all of whom are delighted not to have to walk their pets for blocks and blocks, I tell Mac. 'And who is going to clean up our stinking lawn every day, maybe twice a day?' Mac asks me. I grimace and reply, 'Nobody, that's who! We've tried everything except this. We'll give Danny a bonus to do it once a week . In the meantime, we can use the back entrance.' 'That's the dumbest idea you have ever had, Brenda. Do you still have some of the old wooden clothes pins your mother gave you in case our clothes dryer breaks down one day? We may need them for our noses.'

 

My determination and avoidance of using the front entryway lasts thru July. August 2nd, I look thru our picture window and believe I see brown, dying  crabgrass, a tiny film of light green grass replacing it.
'George, come quick. Look at our lawn. What do you see?' He looks and replies, 'Crab grass and dog crap.' It is impossible for me not to choke up. My idea smelled as bad as our lawn and I start to cry, brighten in a moment.

 

'George, I have another idea. Let's get the top layer of what is supposedly our lawn removed and then cover the whole thing with cement. We can put heavy concrete planters down our path, use colorful hanging plants around the front porch.' George mulls it over and tells me the Board would have to present it to both sides of the street for approval. He agrees to type the letter, present it to his pal, Willie, an attorney at law and president of the Board. The vote goes 98% against us.

 

The invitation I had extended to my neighbors for their pets dutyfication is canceled. I know it, George knows it, the neighbors know it. Only the dogs don't.

 

I call two more lawn care firms, every company that manufactures products to kill crab grass, get some samples that don't work for us.

 

'Mac, I have a new idea. Let's boil gallons and gallons of water and pour it over the crabgrass lawn we have.' Shock waves roll. Mac agrees to try it.

 

I am now visiting him in the hospital where he is being treated for burns on both legs and have decided to learn to love the crab grass.