Strong

BLUE HEAVEN

 

My cough gets worse.  My chest hurts all the way back under my shoulder blades. Harry, most likely has hidden  my cigs, or trashed them all at once. He should know by now that I can find a needle in a haystack, a sliver of glass in my fries, a fly wing in my soup. He means so well but is torturing me with his cleverness. We still manage to go out for dinners once in a while and take home doggie bags for my lunches. No more do we go to the beach that he loves so much as the salty air makes me cough and I shouldn't get sun burned. I haven't lost a lot of weight yet and don't expect to because the doctors are wrong. I don't have the Big C.

 

Today is lady's day and my canasta friends will be here at two. Harry has set up the card table, I am sure, and put some hard candies in the silver dish I use. Without mentioning it to me, he brought home a pound of Doebriner's chocolate fudge, the best fudge we've ever eaten, and put out ½ in the other silver dish, the rest near my bed. Oh, no, I'm not bed ridden but I am weak . Harry lays out the things I mentioned last night that I will wear for my game. Without getting up, I can see my clothes perfectly arranged so I don't have to bend over too much. Oh, how I love him. By itself, a small tear touches my cheek. He will miss me too.

 

My four ladies and myself have been close, warm friends since junior high school. We used to dress alike, wear the same kinds of lipsticks and chase the same boys. Once in a while the green dragon, Jealousy, reared its head and we became three silly teens and me. That nonsense hurt, caused anger but phoo, we grew up, laughing, laughing about our squabbles. Today I am expecting Carla to bring me something heavenly that she baked special for me. I wait for the doorbell and wonder what goody she'll have wrapped up like paper money coming out hot from the press.

 

The sound of Margie's new Saturn pulling into the driveway is music to my ears. I get up from the soft lounge chair, put on an honest happy face, and greet them one by one. There are a few times I can't control my cough and leave the table. Seeing 'the gals' hunch their backs, cover their noses upsets me the most. My partner makes the wrong play causing both of us to be the big losers. I sit there and get a crazy thought. 'Yes, I am a big loser. I'm going to leave my friends, my wonderful Harry.' And then I pull myself together and pay my $5 debt to Carla.  She is kind enough to put away the cards for me and fold  the card table. Fran takes the coffee cups into the kitchen. I hear her rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. The fudge dish is empty so that goes in the kitchen, too. I sit and talk to whoever walks past me. 'Finally, I get the strength to stand and walk to the kitchen with them.
'Hey, Ladies, I'm not an invalid. Next week I am going to bake us something special so don't anybody else do it.' The ladies applaud.

 

Well, things don't always work out the way we plan. Harry has to call the ladies and cancel our game. Harry held my hand when Dr. Feinberg told me I am out of remission and have to start chemo again. 'Dr. Feinberg, do I have a choice?' I ask. 'Yes, you can go on getting worse or try to hang on.' Harry cried when I told the doctor, 'I've had enough. Let me go.' 'Don't try to convince me otherwise. Let me go.'

 

It takes longer than I expected but my time has come. I close my eyes gently but can see thru my thin, dark eyelids, Harry is standing next to me. I leave, go on a long journey, thru a white room, into a tunnel with a bright light at the end. A strange feeling surrounds me as I rise, rise, don't stop rising until I see blue clouds and a golden gate opens for me.

 

This can't be heaven. The clouds are blue, a soft puffy blue. There is no god sitting on a throne. But this is surely heaven and I will stay here to wait for Harry.