The Winner

OLD MAC DONALD

 

His beard, measures from the bottom of his chin to his waist, twenty nine inches long. Over his fat girth and to his ankles it reaches sixty-two inches. Old Mac's beard is perfectly groomed and fulfills all the rules for the Beard Contest. No hair color or bleach is allowed. Ironing it straight is tabu. Cocky he is because he knows for sure that nobody within twenty miles of Bradford has a beard such as his.

 

Tilly, his wife of forty-eight years, uses a yardstick to measure that beard of his every Sunday before church. Sometimes she uses a yard stick, sometimes a tape measure and sometimes a metal refractor. It now grows slowly but does grow. Old Mac insists on using only Lux flakes to wash it. Tilly does the three needed rinses in her former best big wash tub and dries it between white sheets of clean wrapping paper. At the last measuring it was sixty three inches. Old Mac thrives on the compliments he gets. What a sight he is when he walks down Main St. His beard is parted perfectly in half from his chin to his shoe tops. A black rubber band every twelve inches keeps his still auburn hair from flying wild.

 

The yearly contest at Falcon's Arena is scheduled for one week from today. This contest is always a crowd pleaser. Other contests are for sideburns, mustaches and they attract close relatives while the beard one draws the crowd. Not until the entries are known has there ever been a beard to really challenge Old Mac's. This time there is a serious competitor.

 

So far no one has seen Handsome Harry as he calls himself. He's from Bell Town about eighteen miles north of Bradford. His entrance papers state his beard to be 70 inches long. He has never shaved since puberty and he is now eighty two years old. A photo of him has been enlarged and hangs in the window of the Sheriff's office.

 

A black Mercedes, chauffeur driven, rear windows darkened, arrives in
Bradford the evening before the fair, the long beard contest. It stops at the Bideaway Motel. The desk clerk welcomes the chauffeur and guides him with his beach umbrella covered boss to connecting rooms on the ground floor. As soon as they are settled he notifies the sheriff that the beard contestant has arrived. It takes only moments before Old Mac and the entire town know that Handsome Harry has arrived and where he is staying. The only bar/lounge in town fills quickly. Bets go down. Laughter roars from table to table.

 

Breakfast for two is delivered at 7a.m. to the two men in the motel. Before eating, the driver, also his caretaker, check's Harry's beard and checks it again after breakfast. He brushes off a few crumbs, smooths the white beard with his hand until it almost shines. From the car he brings in a round roll of feather encased in a double layer of Saran Wrap. Harry stands on a chair while his driver most carefully wraps his beard up to Harry's shoulders where he secures it with red suspender clips to Harry's shirt. It holds securely. The contraption won't fit in the car so they walk to the fair grounds.

 

As they are no more than fifteen feet from the entrance, a black and white dirty mutt attacks the strangers. He nips the driver's leg and bites right into Harry's Saran wrap, drooling all over the perfectly groomed beard and running away with a chunk of it in his teeth. The driver gets Harry back into the car, drives up to the contest quarters to explain that Harry will forfeit his entry fee as he is no longer eligible. .

 

Old Mac's crowd is really disappointed. Everyone gets their money back from the pot while he struts around until he spots Tilly wearing a blue ribbon. She won the bake contest with her lemon chiffon cake. He gets the $500 the winner of the beard contest was promised and together
they go home and plan for next year.