Gutsy

COURIER AND WIVES

 

The UPS big shots have decided to ban delivery people from ever making left turns as they do their daily rounds. The shipping monster rules and the plan goes into effect the first day of October.  The very first day Jackie Dunne is caught on tape disobeying the rule. He gets a strong lip lashing and  warning. October two he makes his regular left hand turn, drives two blocks and stops at Susan Seinfeld's house. She is at her front door waiting for him. He carries in a large pox marked with her name and address on the label. It is empty. Susan is wearing only a, silky nighty and a gargantuan big smile. In no more than ten minutes, Jackie, carrying the empty box with a black X inked on, wrong address, and heads to his truck, smiling as broadly as Susan smiled.

 

At five minutes of two, he squeezes in the left turn lane and heads to Velma Dirkson's apartment. She lives on the tenth floor. Her kitchen door is open a few inches. Carrying a medium sized empty box, he enters, walks directly to Velma's bedroom where she lies unembarrassed, stark naked. Jackie needs no directions. The box is tossed aside, he's a whiz speedster and is all over her in seconds. 'Don't go, yet Jackie. My husband is working late tonight. Can't you stay a while?' He hands her the empty box with instructions to break it in small pieces and put it down the trash vent. 'Here, Vel, sign this little receipt for the delivery.'

 

Back at his truck, he believes an UPS car is parked a few cars away.
He's right. The driver calls him over. 'Hey, Jackie. Didn't you take a left to make your last delivery?' With much bravado he denies it, tells the guy in the UPS vehicle, he already was warned and wouldn't be fool enough to repeat his error.'

 

Forewarned, October 3 it is raining, raining hard. Traffic is slow, tied up in spots, so he goes with the green light right. No problem.  His route this day is just what he hoped for. He will be going right past Millie's. She has her own two car spacious garage in the rear of her house. Jackie drives past Millie's, tooting his horn twice. The front curtain moves. His emotions are high, ready and he pulls into the alley, into the garage. There's fat Millie, waiting expectantly for a quick roll in her king bed. Something bothers him and he realizes he really doesn't enjoy himself so much with her any more. Her fat is getting fatter, her lips pout and flap. His mind is already trying to find a way to exchange her for somebody new. In the meantime, he caresses her, pats her on her rear and heads for his truck parked in the garage.

 

Something isn't exactly right, one side of the door won't open. Getting
out of the UPS truck, he pushes hard to open it but it won't budge.
He tries it again with the same result. All he can do is go back upstairs to ask Millie for another door opener but she must have left quickly. The apartment door is slightly open. A knock, knock, knock on her door and it swings open. A giant of a man, weighing, for sure, at least three hundred pounds, grabs Jackie by his arm and yanks him inside. 'Sooo' the fat man roars, 'So you're the UPS man. Well, Buddy, now you're the DOWN man.  You're out for good.' He keeps yelling, 'Run, you're dead meat,' if you ever sniff around my wife again.'

 

The UPS truck? Jackie calls the head man at UPS, reports his truck stolen and quits his job. It may still be in Millie's garage. Who knows?

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courtesy of Currier and Ives