Wonderful Town

BROADWAY FATS

 

The streets are clogged with workers, lookeeloos visiting New York City for the first time, hungry people, panhandlers, svelte, rich women manage to get thru their long days and short nights. Busses exude tons of fumes. So much to see, to do, places to go, Janet and Buzz, on their honeymoon, are bewildered, have not yet made plans besides staying in their big double bed at the Taft Hotel until after lunch.

 

A bit worn out but happy, Buzz pushes the down button for the elevator. The red light doesn't light nor is there any sound of movement coming from the elevator shaft until the door opens suddenly. An empty elevator awaits them,  makes no stops until they reach the lobby.

 

The sun is dazzling. Their bellies are crying for food, for vitamins. They stop at the first busy eatery they come to, The Brass Rail. It's revolving door turns and turns, people coming in and leaving at the same time. It's like a non-stop merry-go-round.There is no doorman, no white tablecloths, no waiters. Buzz smiles to his bride, shrugs his shoulders and walks around in a daze hoping to find an empty table.

 

Something that looks like buttered toast whizzes past Buzz. It lands on the floor next to a table where one gargantuan man sits alone. There isn't an inch of space between the many things this man is devouring with enough haste to make people believe he was just saved from a deserted island. A youngish looking woman pats the man on his back to maybe burp him. He pats her on her cushiony ass and she goes on to clean someplace else.

 

The family at the table next to him seems ready to leave. The mother stands first and approaches Janet. 'Your orchid is lovely,' she says to Janet. 'Are you newly weds?' Janet is serious when she asks, 'How can you tell?' 'We're leaving. Take our table. Good luck, Kids!' They are gone, lost in the crowd. Buzz clears the table, puts everything in a cart as it is pushed out of the room. He and Janet select their brunch, tell a counterman to divide their hot pancakes with blueberries and French toast with maple syrup and bacon in halves.  He returns to their table and waits for a signal to 'come and get it'.

 

The huge man ogles their brunch. When Janet leaves ½ a pancake, the man leans over and asks if he may have it. Fork in hand, he walks over, stabs the piece of pancake, goes back to his table with an empty fork.
Eyes from every section of the Brass Rail are on him. As he stuffs himself he seems oblivious to being watched. In fact, he seems to
 relish it.

 

Amidst all the noise, the hub bub, clattering of dishes, a siren darn nears scares some of the crowd to death. It is then that the huge man stands, removes the stained cloth napkin that has been around his neck, waves his arms, hushes the room. In a deep baritone voice that can be heard from one corner of the room, around the walls and to the ceiling, looking at Janet, he starts to sing. 'If I Were a Rich Man' . His face gets fuller, his nose turns miraculously into a rhinoceros. He twirls cloth napkins around his gut and finds something 'Funny Happening on His Way to the Forum.'

 

Neither Janet nor Buzz have the slightest idea of what is going on but applaud with the crowd. 'That's Zero Mostel,' they hear. The name is meaningless. The fat man hears it, becomes indignant and announces, 'I am NOT Zero Mostel. He stole my character, imitated me, worked his way onto the Broadway stage and here I sit with you all, getting bigger, fatter, preparing for a new roll, opening this fall at the Ritz Cracker Auditorium.

 

I will be Broadway Fats. Tickets are already on sale. Come join me before I explode.