THINKING THRU IT

Standing in place, waiting, a few nervous beads of sweat trickling down his neck, he almost pulled his blue silk kerchief with three perfect points out of his breast pocket. His hand stopped, mid-motion, managed to reach a clean white one in his back pocket. Excitement surrounded him. Keep quiet everybody. Shh. Shh. Step out on my right foot. I need a glass of water, cola. A Jack Daniels would be nice. My throat is as dry as unbuttered toast. Miss Directress, can’t you quiet some of the jabbering? Is everybody here? I haven’t seen that damn Cantor. He’s always late. Sarah, don’t grab my arm. Hold it lightly. You won’t fall so don’t make me fall.

It sounds like a marching army out there. Somebody open the door a crack. I want to see what’s happening. Ushers, all of you dumb clucks, make sure you seat the bride’s guests on the right going towards the Chupah. Everybody else on the left. Why is it so quiet all of a sudden? Open the door again, just a crack. Did everybody leave? The violins in the balcony. I forgot about them, little angels fiddling upstairs. Sing, Lisa. I voted for you against Sarah’s cousin Becky. ‘Is this the little girl I carried?’ Sarah, I see you starting to cry. Don’t. You’ll ruin your make-up. I’ll cry for both of us. ‘Love is a Many Splendored Thing.’ Enough, enough, already. Somebody take that long loose white thread off of Larry’s pants. Get it off!

Sarah, Sarah, you look beautiful, prettier than when we got married so long ago. Are you as nervous as I am? You don’t look it. I think you were more nervous than I was when we eloped to Elkton. You did great with the flowers down the aisle. Your were right, Pumpkin Pie, gardenias would have asphyxiated everyone. Sarah, look who’s here. Your cousins from Harrisburg. They returned their card that they couldn’t make it and now they are here. Damn, I’ll have to get Mike to re-set a family table.

Everybody, stay in order. Move back from the door. The show is starting! Cantor Blum. You made it. Your robe is too long. Careful at the bemah steps. You awkward oaf. Don’t trip. Rabbi, go! I like your white outfit. Will you lend it to me for next Halloween?

Not bad you two old foggies. You are going to burst with pride. Larry walks between you down the aisle, not in back. He’s soon gonna be my son, too, unless I die on the spot. When you get up front, let go of him and sit down in the first row. Six groomsmen, did we need that many? I hope they all like the wallets I got them. Maybe I should have bought one for myself. Mine is worn out just paying all these bills.

Jerry, don’t be smart alecky. You think you are the best man, but you’re not. Larry is best and I am second best. You are a swell guy and I like you but don’t get cocky with your title. There they go, two at a time. Jenny has gorgeous friends, real friends. How my baby worried about leaving anyone out. Hell, she’d have had 30 bridesmaids if I let her. Carole isn’t Jewish and she is Maid Of Honor. She looks perfect and happy. Jenny picked a winner. And so did Carole. Jenny has spunk alright.

Move a little. Let me peep. Please let me peep. The cameras better be getting this whole thing. I am going to look like a smiling donkey going down that aisle. Burt, be good. Don’t act silly. You know the ring is tacked to the pillow and isn’t going to fall off. Don’t run. Please don’t run. Little, pretty Anne, you do look a lot like Grandma. Your dress is the blue of your precious eyes. Hold the basket straight. You know how. You practiced a lot of times. Throw the petals on one side and then the other, not at the guests.

The waiting room is almost empty. Jenny, is the most beautiful bride in the world. Take a big breath. I’m as ready as I am going to be. Come Sarah. Right before the bemah we stop. Larry will come down to help her up the steps. Here she comes. Every eye is on her. Handkerchiefs, smiles, whisperings. Jenny, stop right here. Kiss Mamma. Don’t forget me. Without me there’d be no you.

The service is too long, Rabbi. Finish it. Give them the wine to taste. Good, good. Now put the glass down on the floor. Larry’s big feet will shatter it to dust. Let’s go! Let’s go! It’s party time!

Oh, Jenny, how I love you. I just gave you away to Larry. Was I a fool? Was I smart? I’ve decided to stick around to see what happens. This was great. We want to do it again when you are the mother of the bride–or groom.

We’ll all have good seats then.