THE COMMANDMENTS

‘Look right at me and say that again!’

‘O.K. You stink!’

‘Yeah? Well I can run faster than you. I can spell better than you. I can hit more pointers off Buster’s steps in ten minutes than you can hit in fifteen. So don’t tell me I stink, Carl. Your house stinks. Your mother’s cooking smells up the whole neighborhood. Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage. She must cook it every day and then you crap it out and stink too.’

‘Oh, yeah, Jerome? Your father’s a kike. He’s cheap. Your mother is too fat. She begs me every Friday and Saturday to light her gas range for her or she can’t cook. And I do it to be nice. Your mother told me god will strike her dead if she turns on lights on Shabbus. What the hell is Shabbus anyhow? And you, Crud head, have pimples and had your dangler cut off.’

‘Go to hell, Jerome.’

‘Can’t, Carl. It’s filled with goyim. They’ve taken all the space. See you in class tomorrow.’

‘Yeah, but sit on the other side of the room!’

‘Ma, tomorrow when you make your good cabbage soup, can you close the kitchen windows? I love your soup but some of the guys asked me how I can eat so much cabbage all the time. They were laughing at me and I might have to knock some teeth out if they do it again.’

‘Ma, don’t ask Carl to be your Shabbus goy any more. He’s tired of it. You don’t even give him a piece of lemon meringue pie. You don’t pay him. You are cheap.’

‘Pay him to turn a single knob two times? That’s crazy. Tell him not to come anymore. I’ll find somebody else. How about Frank?’

‘Ma, how come I’m the only guy in my class who has pimples? If you see Dr. Hyman at the drugstore, ask him if he has any samples so I can get rid of these ugly things. They are red and itch. I make them worse but can’t help it.’

‘Ma, if I do better in school, don’t fight so much, do you think I might go to heaven when I die? Somebody told me most gentiles go to hell because they are all drunks. They never become doctors or lawyers either. Is that true, Ma?’

‘Wash up. I have your favorite potato pancakes for dinner and baked cod. Mrs. Schwartz told me eating fish makes you smarter, so eat. Maybe you’ll be a lawyer.’

‘Ma, why did a Mohel cut off the end of my thing? It must have hurt bad. Did I cry? Of course you cried. Daddy put some red wine on a piece of gauze and you sucked on it until you fell asleep. One day, when you are older, you’ll be glad you were circumcised.’ ‘No, I won’t, Ma. I’ve got the smallest thing of all my classmates. They make fun of me.’ ‘ It will grow, Jerome, my Darling.’

‘Hey, Jerome, why are you sitting next to the window? What’s wrong with where you always sit, in front of me?’

‘You told me to sit on the other side of the room. Remember? My mother said you shouldn’t come any more on Shabbus. She’s going to ask Fred to do it. Ma also said if you want to come, she’ll give you a warm piece of her just baked apple pie on Fridays and two pieces of her nutty struedel on Saturdays.’

‘O.K. I’ll do it. Your mother’s house really smells good when she bakes.’

School lets out. Carl and Jerome walk on opposite sides of the street. Carl yells out. ‘Jerome, Johnny just turned the corner towards you. He hates Jews. He’s lookin’ for a fight. I can tell. Cross over to my side.’ Jerome is not a coward, walks slowly, defiant, every stride strong. Johnny gets close. ‘Jew Bagel, Jew Bagel, you’re worse than the Wops. I’m going to beat the shit out of you!

Carl can see what is happening, hears the threat and runs into the street. A motorbike slams into him. Police cars, an ambulance arrive quickly. Mr. Goldfarb who hit him is very shaken up but gets no traffic violation ticket. Carl’s leg is set in a heavy plaster cast and is taken home in an ambulance, taken inside on a stretcher and made as comfortable as he can be, which translates, ‘I hurt. I’m miserable.’

The very next day, before school starts, Jerome rings the doorbell. ‘Here’s some struedel for you. Mama sent it. I’ll bring your homework to you every day. Excuse me if I say it, but I am smarter than you and if you want, I’ll help you learn algebra.’

‘My mother is making fresh chopped slaw out of cabbage tomorrow. There will be no smell in the street. She’s going to make a pot roast with a lot of browned potatoes. Want to eat with us?’

Years later, Jerome Jacobs added a PHD and MD after his name and Carl married Sadie Bloom. He offered no argument and had a Briss for his son, put wine on a piece of gauze and let the baby suck the wine until he fell asleep.