EPIPHANY–BEYOND WORDS

We were so unsophisticated, my teen boyfriend and I, but didn’t know it, didn’t even know the meaning of the word. Love, we held hands, kissed and stopped. Jack knew there was more and I thought so too, but didn’t know what. At almost 18 I began pushing marriage on Jack. It was what my high school girlfriends were doing, ‘getting hitched.’ From his life’s savings and his Dad, my boyfriend managed to buy me a 3/4 carat diamond engagement ring. I flashed it to everyone in class, especially those who didn’t even have a boyfriend.

My parents and Jack’s met and made plans for a small house wedding. In bringing those long ago days to mind I believe that is when the 100 years war of arguments began. How many guests? What to serve that was filling and not costly? Where we could go for our three day honeymoon? Where would we live? ‘Oh, no, No, No, I won’t live with my parents and I’m not going to your house either. Your sister is a pain in the neck and will pry into every thing, butting into our business!’ Jack countered all of my negatives. We argued constantly. Usually I won.

We found a small three room apartment on a quiet street we couldn’t afford but my parents subsidized us for a few months. I had a job, $12 a week, 5 days 8 to 5 and 8 to 12 on Saturdays. The street car fare took $1.20 out of my pay. Did I think or worry about my husband transferring to two street cars every day? Not often. It was my ride that was full when it reached my stop and I had to stand all the way to downtown daily to be in my cluttered office where most of my life was spent.

By then I knew what came after kissing--a baby. ‘Do I have to have this baby, Jack? I don’t want it.’ He hugged me tight and we argued for days. That time he won and I never regretted giving in.

Our kitchen walls were faded, needed at least a gallon of paint. Without asking, I took a dollar and ½ out of our saving envelope and bought light yellow and painted the walls myself. Jack was surprised and yelled at me. He hated yellow. We fought over the done deed until he finally let it go and I think he learned to like yellow.

So many times I hated him, mumbled that under my breath, wondering if he was mumbling under his. I thanked him for the box of dark chocolate covered cherries he brought me after his busy Saturday job. and then fell on him, fell hard. ‘You know I don’t like dark, why didn’t you get milk chocolate?’ I watched him go in the kitchen, slam the candy box on the table and then rip it open and stuff his mouth with the candy, devouring every bit. He shook his finger at me and yelled, ‘Now you don’t have to eat that damn dark chocolate!’ Then he ran into the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. I followed him, wiped his forehead with a damp wash cloth, flushed the toilet, cleaned up whatever missed the bowl and cried on his shoulder.

More stupid, mean, thoughtless things went on year after year. We never let up except for the few good times that were out weighed by the devil who had hold of us. Alone I tried a marriage counselor because Jack said it would do no good, we’d be throwing our money in the garbage. I quit after two sessions. He and I talked divorce many times but didn’t have a great desire to go thru with it. Too much was involved. Our battles were deeply ingrained in our ways. Life without them would be dull.

The time came to pay the piper. Jack got sick, really, really, sick. The Big ‘C’!’ My support, my caring was all I had to offer. It became my life.At last he was my reason to be. I told him, ‘Darling, I would gladly take your place in ½ second if I could.’ He heard me, smiled from his hospital bed, ‘Oh, no you wouldn’t.’ How could I not laugh? Tears, tears ran down my face. ‘Jack, Jack, don’t go, don’t leave me. I love you! His bony hand came from under his blanket. I reached for it, squeezed itr gently. His eyes fluttered for a moment and somehow from deep inside of him he managed to raise his voice loud enough for me to hear him clearly, ‘I love you too, but don’t tell me what to do.’ His voice got soft. His eyes closed and I told his deaf ears, ‘You won this won, Jack.’

I turned, walked down the hall to get a nurse.