OXY OR NOT–A MORON

I was so sadly happy. I was free, out of the marital handcuffs I’d worn for 35 years. Each year the woman in my life got stronger while I caved in and grew weaker. ‘Bill, haven’t you even noticed the kitchen cabinet counter tops are looking poorly? I think its time we go granite like Dean and Marie. Jessee and Babs love their new kitchen. Christ, our formica has had it. And while we’re doing it, I’d like to put in a single Dutch sink instead of the tiny two part one we have. I’ve hated it from day one when we moved in.’

‘Evelyn, that will cost thousands. I know you. You’ll want a new dishwasher and electric oven. No, we can’t do it now! Don’t you read the papers, watch CNN? We’re in a recession. Who knows what will be? Old Hank can let me go whenever he finds he has to cut someplace. Jimmy, you know Jimmy who has three year old triplets, Hank dropped the ax on him two weeks ago for no reason I can see.’

The doorbell chimed. I opened it to a stranger who nodded and walked right past me. ‘Hi, there, Mrs. Smulyan. I’m a few minutes early. Hope you don’t mind.’ My ears stood up like a bunny’s. Wifey dear and the granite salesman pulled me into the kitchen. I fumbled a bit, ‘Mr. Uh uh Harrison, my wife has jumped the gun. I’m not ready for this now.’ ‘I’m here already. No obligation.’ He smiled and continued his spiel of great selection, reasonable prices, fast delivery.

It took three months to get the granite color and vein to please Evelyn. I was glad of the delay. The single white country sink did look much better than the stained stainless steel. Burnt rust tile flooring, a new dishwasher were my limit. Sure it was. I was head of our house, wasn’t I? Next to the dishwasher our old tan Kenway ruined every- thing. I tried desperately to control Evelyn and myself but she wangled a good deal with Sears if we also bought the double refrigerator. The room was set and looked, I admit, super. What didn’t look good was my checking account. It was just about to the empty red line.

During week-end mornings, I was busily idle reading temp wanted ads, not applying for any. No question, that kitchen deal hit me hard. Before our renovation, Evelyn played bridge once a week with the same three friends, rotating houses. Whamo, she made new friends, played three times a week and always in our house, showing off, serving cakes and cookies made in her new double oven.

Ev had heard it on the grapevine and confirmed it when she talked to Marie. She and Carl were taking a three week cruise on the Crystal Moon. ‘Bill, please Bill, can’t we go too? I’ve checked and there are a few upper deck cabins still available.’ ‘Come on, Kiddo, I’d love to go but we can’t afford it now. If Old Hank doesn’t come up with my bonus Christmas time, we will be in serious trouble. So it’s ‘no.’ ‘Well then, can we fly to Cancun for a few days? Lots of deals available. We can have fun! No telling who we might meet, even a movie star taking a break.’

It turned out I was wisely foolish. On the plane Evelyn waved to someone a few seats back from ours. I looked, didn’t recognize the man at first. A flash-back struck me. It was Mr. uh uh Harrison, the kitchen man. Need I go on with my tale of woeful joy? Ok., I will.

Ev and I settled into a comfy room. There was a large basket of welcoming fruit on a round marble cocktail table. We each had a juicy piece of papaya, changed into swim wear and went to the beach. Careless, stupid, I didn’t listen to Evelyn and got a bad sunburn, enough to keep me on our terrace the next day, while my wife lathered herself again with sun screen and went down to the water’s edge. Trouble started. She and uh uh evidently got chummy there and on our bus ride to the ruins.

What I got was a shock. Separation papers were served to me within a week of arriving home. It was for the best. Evelyn had her kitchen. Old Hank gave me my salvation bonus. I was able to locate and buy a perfectly comfortable one bedroom condo without financial stress, without a rope around my neck and without Evelyn.