KA NIPPLE, KA NAPPLE

Some women are unbelievable hoarders. They are terrified they’re going to end up as bag ladies because they don’t think their husbands know what they’re doing, or they don’t have husbands, so they spend almost nothing. Others, a phenomenal number, sock away money in secret. My grandmother, my mother and I did it. I still do.

I caught my mother sticking a dollar bill in her shoe when I was eight years old . She jumped a mile. ’Why are you hiding that, Mom?’ I asked. ‘Mind your own business, little one.’ ‘Ma, did you steal it?’ ‘Go away and don’t tell Daddy either. You are very young but I’ll tell you, if you keep those rose bud lips of yours shut tight. Promise?’ ‘I’ll try, Ma, but sometimes my promises get broken.’

‘Every woman, Jew, gentile, black, white should have a knipple, but, as far as I know just Jewish ladies have them. Here, I’ll spell it for you, k n i p p l e. Learn it correctly. It sounds like ‘ka nipple’ and the ka sounds like when you gargle with burning Listerine. Ladies, maybe even children like you, should have a knipple. This is what you should do. If Daddy gives you ten cents, only spend nine. Find a good hiding place and save the penny. Before long you will have 20 cents, then a dollar and your knipple will grow. Put in 10 cents, 25, and it will grow faster. Don’t even tell me where your knipple is. Mine is not in my shoe. You saw me put it there only until I put it in a very secret place.’ Mom unties her laced shoes and hands me the dollar she had put in her shoe.‘Start now, Mammeleh’. Someday you will thank me. Go, go play outside.’

My brother is snobbish some time. He tells people his name is Carl C. Cohen. The middle ‘C’ stands for cool, careful and confident. Dad and Mom want him to go to college but he says he is going into the world and make it on his own. Dad nags him, tries to have man to man talks with his son, but when Carl makes up his mind, look out! Mom is smart, too. She grabs Carl by his ear and says, ‘Nu? Mr. CCC. What will you do if you don’t get a good education? What, you don’t want to go because you think Papa doesn’t have the money? You don’t know from borscht. We want to move. The house is too hard for me to take care of. We’ve been looking at a re-sale and have found a three bedroom condo, with good kosher restaurants in walking distance. You come home from school, you’ll have your own private space. An agent is coming soon. Stay, you’ll learn we still have some life in our old bodies.’ ‘Mom, I’m going into business with Mr. Felser. He manufactures men’s sports wear, good quality, fair prices. I’m going on the road and I intend becoming his best traveling salesman before the summer is over. Now that you told me you have plenty of money, I’d like to borrow $3000 to buy a used car that still has umpteen miles left on it. I’ll pay you back with interest in less than a year. Please don’t even try to talk me out of it and I won’t butt into your selling this house. Do we have a deal?’

‘No, we don’t, Carl. I am not in the habit of lending money to my son. I have my knipple and am going to give it to you as a present.’ ‘Mom, I don’t want your knipple, whatever the hell that is. Dad do you know what a knipple is? ‘ ’Yeah, I used to hear my mother talk about hers but didn’t know Mom has been stealing from me year after year.’ ‘You are calling Mom a thief?’ ‘If she has a knipple, that name applies to her.’‘Sarah, where is it?’ ‘No sir, you can torture me, I am not going to tell you which bank it is in. Ooops!’ Dad laughs and tickles Mom under her overflowing breasts. ‘Get away from me you fedemphta blind man. My knipple I don’t need. Carl needs a car and I will buy it for him.’

The doorbell rings. ‘Carl, come meet the young and lovely Miss Stacey Goldfarb. Sit with us while we talk business. She’ll show you the lay-out and location of the condo we like. This evening she is bringing a customer to look over our house. Sit and talk with Stacey. I think I should go straighten the kitchen a little more and dust the dining roomset. ‘Stacey, my son is going to become a big business man very fast. He is a real mahker. I’m going to use my knipple to buy him his first car, maybe as soon as we sell this house. Tell me, have you ever heard of a knipple?’

‘Sure, Mrs. Cohen, I know my mother has one but I have no idea where it is or how much is in it. It’s none of my beeswax. Sometimes she buys a new dress for a party and surprises my father. I had one once and hid it so good I haven’t found it in the last 10 years. Maybe for me it will be better to marry somebody who will love me and together we prosper so I don’t have to start another knipple.

Your son sounds ambitious. He’s nice looking too. How old is he, Mrs. Cohen?’