UP AND DOWN

The trail up the cliff looked doable, fairly easy, but became a mountain before I hit my estimated half way mark. My goal was the top. I had to look at the ocean beating on the red rocks below, sprinkling rain on my face. Dawn was just barely lighting the sky. A few loose pebbles skittered beneath my boots, click clanked backwards. I plodded a little further, breathed in slowly, deeply, smelled the salt. My back felt like it would crack in the middle, send half of me to the oblivion of the ocean. A mental picture drew itself as the rest of me was lifted by the strong upward draft. Blood dripped from the sky. My feet caught between two boulders and stood there like an AWOL soldier caught in a criminal act.

The beauty was gone. I sat there crying, just wanting to be with my mother, explain what happened and how much I didn’t want it to happen. I see her dressed for dinner, looking pretty, young. Her hand is soft as it tossles my wind blown hair. She feels my sadness. I feel she is trying hard to understand, even though I don’t. ‘Mother, I only wanted to kiss Rose Marie’s cheek. Why did she push me away, laugh at me? I thought she was teasing me so I laughed with her. That made her see red and she charged at me like a brazen bull. What could I do? I caught her, begged her to just sit down on the grass and watch the clouds go by. For a moment I thought she would. Instead, Rose Marie walked over to me and kicked me in my crotch. I became the bull and went after her, chased her, caught her. Accidentally I tore the front of her dress. Shocked by the beauty, I had to touch her, feel her beautiful breasts. No one was near us. Noone was within ear shot to hear her screams, except me. ‘Hush, Hush, Rose Marie. I’ll let you up and I did.

‘You son-of a bitch,’ she yelled and spit on me. ‘That’s what you are. Your mother’s a bitch and that makes you one. And besides that, your father’s a filthy drunk. Get away from me. Go, go, go to hell. I’m calling the police and you will go to jail for attempted rape for a long time.’ ‘Mother, I couldn’t let her say such things and couldn’t go to jail just for wanting to kiss her cheek, could I? I was so angry I punched her in her belly. She fell down and I picked up a gray, jagged rock and crashed it into her. Blood came out of her mouth and head. Looking made me throw up. I killed her, Mother, I killed her.’

‘Mother, I’m talking to you, to God, to Rose Marie, to her mother, begging forgiveness. No one is listening. I am near the top of the cliff. There are just a few more steps, the hardest of all. One, two. I put Rose Marie flat down and pick her up, facing me, put my cheek next to where I think hers must be and take step three.