UNPLUGGING

The slow, dragging voice is there when I lift the receiver. As soon as I hear the first ‘I’ a face comes along with it. Melanie has dark hair that once was blond before it turned gray. We have been neighbors, semi-friends, for five years. Now the point has been reached that I try to avoid her, lie a little, say ‘Sorry I can’t,’ when I can. The call continues crawling like a poisoned snake bitten by a more poisonous one. Melanie says she only called to say ‘Hello’. I laugh, say ‘hello’ back and hang up. Her stone face may have frozen but melts and she dials me again.

‘Did you know?’ she asks and waits. ‘Know what?’ I get that in fast so she won’t be disappointed. ‘Don’t rush me. I’m going to tell you.’ ‘Tell me, I’m listening.’ ‘Remember we had lunch at Saffro’s yesterday with Lois and Elaine?’ ‘It was only yesterday, sure I remember.’ ‘Well, I went home from there.’ ‘Melanie, tell me the story or get off the pot. We all went home. What happened?’

‘When I took off my brand new Alfonso tan jacket, there were big grease stains in the back.’ If I didn’t at least say ‘aw, what a shame’she’d surely complain to Lois. “Aw, what a shame.’ ‘How did that happen?’ ‘I don’t know. I didn’t do it. So you think I should take the jacket to Saffro’s?’ ‘That’s what I would do, Mel.’ ‘Ha, I didn’t do that. I took it to the new French cleaner in the mall. He worked on it for a long time and got the grease out, charged me $15.’ ‘Why did you ask me what to do if you already did what you wanted? Honest, Lady, you are a pain some times. I’m watching ‘One Life to Live’ and you made me miss the sexy part.’ Slam.

Lois calls almost as soon as I’m rid of Melanie. Her voice annoys me too. It reminds me of my mother making horse raddish on a little tin grater. I get goose pimples thinking about it. She says, ‘Hi,’ and I say ‘Hi, Lois.’ ‘How do you know it’s me (or is it I?) . Melanie’s jacket story doesn‘t change much the second time around. ‘ She took the jacket to the cleaner and spent $20 to clean it. Don’t you think she should have taken it back to the restaurant?’ First I have to tell her, Melanie said $15, not $20 and lash out at my friend. ‘What do I care what she did? I’m home worrying about our soldiers in Afghanistan, what our president is going to try to do next and when the repeat of ‘One Life to Live will be on.’ We don’t give Melanie much credit but she did make up her own mind and her jacket is repaired. Maybe she’s getting smarter and we should try to get her on the state ballot for something.’

By the way, did you see the sexy scene today. Was it really hot? I am firmly against these soaps being so open early in the morning. Kids know more today at 10 then I knew at 21. I think I’ll write to the sponsor. Do you remember who it is?’ ‘Moi? No. Don’t watch them.’

‘Thanks anyway. Maybe I can get it on the web. I might even find an email address, get a coupon for whatever it is and find out when that sexy scene will be re-run.’