DON’ T CALL ME

The phone is ringing off the hook. It is driving me insane. I lift the receiver and shout over and over., ‘Hello, hello,’ nobody answers. All I get is the dial tone. A T & T has checked and told me on my cell phone, over and over, that the lines are in order. My words run angrily together when I ask the service department why I can’t call them on my phone nor get a message from them. Neither the first nor fifth service manager has given me an explanation that makes sense. I thank the powers that be that there is silence between 5 p.m. and 6 a.m. That’s all I can say until I can say no more and rip the wires out of the wall.

My eyes bulge, my mouth tastes like chewed wood, my belly revolts as hundreds, thousands of little squiggly things swim out of the phone bracket. Jill and I have never, and I mean ‘never’, seen anything like this in our house, seldom see a stray garden ant. She and I grab our coats and run. We stand on the corner, gulping for air, not knowing who to call, what to do. Not even an exterminator would go into that zoo.

The world, my world, has turned black. I have the shivers, twist, kick in revulsion. Something is running up my back. It stops and grabs my hands, then lets go. A voice from nowhere, gravelly, rough is calling me. ‘Eddie, Eddie, open your eyes. Wake up. Look at me.’ My father is standing near my bed. I see him thru blurry eyes and hear him say, ‘Come on, Son, snap out of it.’ He sounds serious, calls to Jill to come in. The door opens and there she is looking as bad as I feel. Worry lines are clear.

‘Jill, what is going on? Where am I and why am I here?’ ‘Look at me, Eddie. See this huge thing I am carrying? You have had a most unusual reaction to anesthetics. Dr. Solansky was really worried and waited with us until now. In fact, here he is.’ The door opens. ‘Hey, Eddie, your signs are all okay now and you should be able to leave in about an hour. Take it easy for a day or two and don’t sleep with Jill.' 'Call me, Jill, if he gets rambunctious.’

I look at Jill’s huge ‘thing’ and everything clarifies in my woozy brain.Jill kisses my cheek, holds my hand and whispers, ‘We decided this together. Six children are enough. Enough is surely enough. No more, Sweet Prince.

Your vasectomy is over but don’t you dare ever consider that gives you free rein with anyone but me or I’ll have Dr. Solansky remove your apparatus entirely.’