I DO--BUT SHOULDN’T

I was fourteen, close to fifteen, when I was about to leave home. My suitcase was made of cardboard. It had two thin clamps to hold it together and no key, not even a key hole. In the pockets of my dirndls skirt I had a rubber band around fifteen one dollar bills. A purse with a faded picture of Elizabeth Taylor on its blue cloth outside held a ten and two fives. Besides all that money, I filled a drawstring bag my mom gave me for Christmas with a roll each of nickels and dimes. It was heavier than I thought it would be. Some of that money I got by running errands for the lady who has the cleaning shop on our corner and some my grandparents gave me when they visited now and then.

I was ready to run away from home to get married. My boyfriend, Jerry, was 17 1/2, cute and smoked Pall Malls. We met at my friend Fran’s 16th birthday party. It was the biggest party I ever went to. She even had a disc jockey so we could dance. That was something I didn’t think I did well but was asked to dance by 3 or 4 boys. One of them, the cutest, was Jerry. His dark hair was combed slickly into a pompadour and his dark eyes glistened. He wore cowboy boots with heels. When he asked me to dance, I almost said ‘no,’ believing I’d look like a clumsy dork, but Jerry turned me, twisted me, dipped me so low that I fell on the floor. Everyone gathered around laughing and I laughed with them.

That was the night I got my first kiss. I didn’t feel anything special but Jerry must have. Almost every word he said, I remember to this day. ‘Let’s go out on the porch, Belle. I need some air. I watched you dance with Mel and Barney and knew I would give you a better lead. Did they tell you how pretty you are?’ Being nervous, I didn’t answer.Harvey and Candy were on the porch making out. I had never done that and didn’t want to until Jerry took my hand. His was warm, a little sweaty. The glider with green with white pillows and was empty so Jerry and I sat on it and started to swing. What did I know about magical moons, twinkling stars, holding hands? Just about nothing, except my mother told me when I get old enough to go out with boys always keep my legs closed. She never mentioned wandering hands but I knew it wasn’t a nice thing to do and I shouldn’t let Jerry feel my body. The trouble was I liked it, liked it more the next night when Jerry took me to the park. He kissed me and held me tight. It was 9 o’clock and my mother was waiting for me when I got home. Jerry hadn’t stayed long enough to talk to my mother, but the greatest thing was at the curb he told me he loved me and maybe would marry me some day.

For me, for us, I thought that some day was no more than a month away and made my plans. I wrote what I thought was a beautiful note to my parents. ‘Dearest Mom and Dad, Jerry and I love each other and are eloping to get married. Don’t worry about us. We have some money and Jerry has a part time job, so if you’ll let us have my bedroom for a few months, we can pay for our food. We should be back before 11 tonight. We’ll wake you up. I love you very much! Belle.’

The train station waiting room was busy. I found a seat close to Gate 12, where the train I had bought tickets for was to be. I sat and watched and watched for Jerry. The train was in, was boarding. Jerry never showed up. I sat there on that hard, miserable bench for an hour, crying so hard several people stopped to help me. To tell them why I was crying was not possible. It was too hard just believing myself that Jerry had lied to me.

Did I think of getting hungry, having to go to the bathroom all that time? No, but did think about going home and what I would say to my mother. A station guard came over and asked if I was o.k. I forced a stupid smile on my face, finally picked up my cheesy suitcase and spent the money for a taxi to take me home where I belonged.

I never saw Jerry again. If anyone knew where he went, they didn’t tell me. It took a long time for me to realize what an idiot I had been.

Five years passed and I did get married. When my father gave me away, he didn’t really. Donnie and I moved in with them for a while. Donnie covered our cost while I awaited our first baby.

My old cardboard suitcase is still in the cellar, empty and falling apart, but is a good reminder to me, of how lucky I was Jerry never showed up.