FAR, FAR AWAY

Whoopde do! Whoopee do! I’m travelin, flyin’ non-stop to LA, on a brand new airline, Virgin America. In spite of my excitement, a few nigglin’ things are already bothering me and my flight has not yet begun. At midnite I put my luggage at the door for a 7 a.m. flight. That means a 12 hour wait, doesn’t it? Or does it just seem that way?

My driver had contacted the new airline to ascertain its location at Ft. Lauderdale airport so I would not end up at Southwest. He was told Virgin America had taken over Jet Blue’s station and it was at # 1 post as the circle starts for Departures. Before Joe reached that point a bright red electric arrow blinked the correctiveness of the phone information. Great, Joe and I thought–but Virgin America was not at #1 post. Slowly we circled, went past Jet Blue, Southwest and saw a sign in front of a check in station with Virgin America painted in. Out I got, followed by Joe with my luggage and were given a porter to walk me and my luggage about 10 yards down the street where I was then taken inside to get my boarding pass and charge the $20 per bag for send thru luggage. Ha! I was ready for that. My charge plate, porter’s tip, driver’s license, my flight confirmation were in my hand. ‘Sorry, we don’t take Master card.’ Scrounging thru my much too-full new purse, I found my wallet, naturally on the bottom of everything else. ‘We take Visa.’ Visa they got and I got my boarding pass that did not give me a claim check in case my luggage disappeared. ‘Ma’am, you won’t need that. This is a non-stop flight. No way your bag will be lost.’ Go fight? Well, I should have, but didn’t.

From there I was sent towards Security, gate 9, arrow, Left.’ With me was my carrying case to go under my seat. Instead of the handlethat Southwest broke on my last trip, I had attached a sturdy leather belt so I could roll easily to my destination. The case refused to roll on carpet. There was no choice, I had to lift that damn ornery thing and carry it to the escalator which turned out to be a non-working escalator. No choice again. I carried it back to the stairway that was as long and as high as a stairway to the stars, or more likely to my grave. It was very wide, very handsome and very long, 2 flights of at least 35 steps. I managed five or six steps but knew I could never make it and arrive at the bottom in decent health. From the Alps an angel called to me. ‘Do you need help, Madam?’ ‘Oh, my god, yes, please.’ He had 2 cases of his own, picked mine up as if were a feather and was at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me when I finally walked down. Maybe I said ‘thank you’ but more likely I was babbling like a kid who just received a whole box of Mary Sue Chocolates, ‘Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.’ I wanted to hug him, but he had already disappeared.

Like the 600 of those who made up the Light Brigade, I plodded on, forward to Security. For 6:15 A.M., the line was shockingly long. Off with my shoes, my jacket, my computer, my purse, my loaded semi-repaired, too many zippered pocketed carrying case I managed to get into 5 white fast moving bins. Looking ahead, I see 1000 more to get thru before me. At last my 5 made it through and I past the first inspection. ‘This way, Lady. Put your shoes on. Wait for the green light and then enter.’ Before me was a glass cage that instantly made me think of an old t.v. show where one would step in and hundreds of bills were blown into the air and the contestant grabbed as much money as she could in 30 seconds. Momentarily I though,’ Hey, this new airline is going to be fun.’ The light turned green and I went in. The sound of the doors locking me in took the smile right off my face. Two painted shoes on the floor directed me to stand on that spot until the red light staring at me turned green. I stood. Noise, like ten paparazzi were snapping dozens of pictures of me worried me. Did I have cancer, a bad heart. The noise stopped and a huge, loud gust of wind blew up and over my entire body. Had I been wearing a dress (possibly no underwear) the guard would have had a free show. That was not the case, the light turned green and I could leave, unscathed.My 5 bins were waiting for me. With a sigh of relief, I grabbed my jacket, my shoes, without stopping to see if my wallet was still in my purse, put that over my shoulder, got the computer in the carry on case, zipped whichever zippers the guards had undone, left that madhouse to those behind me.

Fun time was ahead, so the ads for the new airline offered. OK. Boarding and take off went right on time. One up for Virgin America. The blue/ lavender soft lighting, new leather seats, two small windows for viewing welcomed me. But my window seat gave me no view, not even of the wagons loading luggage aboard. What the devil kind of windows were these? They looked like they were frosted. How was I going to look for Dorothy as we reached Kansas? How will I see again the Grand Canyons? How was the Captain going to pass Southwest without hitting one of their planes still on the ground?

Fun time starts as we wait for lift off. The single stewardess that I see does not stand in the middle of the aisle to tell us how to put on our seat belts, where the lavatories are. On the back of every seat there is a small screen which comes on to show us all, via cute cartoons, what to do in an emergency, what to click on if we want a pillow($11.95. It will give comfort all thru the flight and comes with ear plugs), where to reach for your life jacket even though the flight is 99 ½% over land, where and when we can plug in and use our computers, what to click to play games, watch t.v. For those who are similar to me, ancient not into new fangled electronics, unable to follow hit this, click on that, we could read, sleep, wait for the one-time go around of the coffee/juice or soda pop cart. We few did not have fun. The attractive leather seats are far from comfortable even though they recline about ½” inch further than older planes. The seats are so short, they stop about 8" down from my hips, leaving my knees, my legs dangling.

Although I am not a 1st class passenger, let me tell you about the wonders of it in this new plane. As soon as you get over the ‘door step’ onto the plane itself, make a quick turn right and you can see for yourself, if you decide to travel Virgin America. You will be directly in the four seat 1st class area. 4 fairly large single seats, which evidently can be moved a few inches, are almost touching. Each one has its own screen, computer. If you take 2 seconds so you don’t delay the line of passengers behind you trying to find their seats, you will pass the serving area where the single cart is loaded. If you look to your left you will see and smell the lavatory. Well, that made up my mind. I will not up-grade next trip, will be content with my windows that unfroze as soon as we were air borne, bring my own peanuts and cookies, maybe a thermos so I can have a second cup of coffee if I choose.

And certainly be thankful I didn’t have to ‘Go West’ in a Conestoga Wagon.